You may wonder how somebody becomes a tsundere. What happened to cause them to end up like this? It could be several things. Maybe it's just who they've always been. Maybe they just aspire to be a tsundere in general. For me, it was my upbringing. I've always held myself to a high standard. I felt like anything less than great wasn't good enough. As a result, I developed a strong sense of pride. It wasn't the kind of pride that makes you want to show off. It was more the idea that there was a certain level of maturity that I needed to keep up. I felt bad when proven wrong, and I never took people saying "I told you so" very well. I couldn't stand being teased by anyone. I could never admit any of this to someone in person. The only reason I can write this is because I can't watch you read this. I don't want to be made fun of for anything. Nobody does. All of these years I've built up a sense of pride based around not showing my faults.
Growing up, everybodies heard a family member say something to the extent of "When you grow up, you'll have to chase the boys/girls off with a stick." On top of that, my family would always say "When you grow up, somebody is going to bat their eyes at you, and you'll fall head over heels for them." What?! No! Never. I was still at the time when I thought other kids had cooties. As time went by, I realized they were right. I'd never admit it though. I'd never hear the end of it. Every day another "I told you so." A crush? What?! Of course not! I could never. It's so...childish. Right? Every time I'd start to have those stupid feelings again, I'd ignore them and the person causing them. I only had one friend in middle school. In early high school, that went up to maybe 3 or 4. I still was too stuborn to admit my family was right. I felt alone, but was too stuborn to admit it. The people I hadn't already pushed away started to naturally distance themselves. I didn't realize until years later that it was because I scared people. Those that weren't scared just felt like I thought I was better than them. It wasn't until the last day of my third year of high school that I finally gave in. I liked somebody, and just couldn't stand it anymore. I had to say something, even if it meant being mocked. I couldn't look them in the eye, I was stumbling over my words, and I just wanted it to be over. Of course, I was rejected. To be honest, it came with a bit of relief.
I still have that pride that's built up over the years. I still can't get close to anyone. Those that I can open up to, I can't look in the eye. Whenever emotions come up in conversation I either get embarassed or get angry and try to change the subject. I'm not the violent tsundere sterotype. I've never hit anyone that's tried to talk to me about emotions (except once. He really deserved it). People sometimes worry about me. Wondering when I'm going to find somebody. Some people can go from one person to the next without any problems. It's just really hard to find somebody when you unwillingly push everybody away, and most people don't seem to understand that. I guess we'll just where life leads me.
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