It's not always easy making friends. Do I have any? Yes. Many? Not really. Looking back, almost all of my friendships were an outcome of being forced into a situation that required constant interaction. Naturally I close myself off from other people when I don't know them. I know that a lot of people do that, so what makes me so special? I'm an extrovert. Not in the sense of being outgoing, but more of needing to be around people. I've tried breaking out of that habit before, and it never goes well. I've forced myself to try and make new friends, but it always falls apart in the end. And it's not because they reject my attempts, but because I eventually reject them. "Oh, they're off with other friends again tonight? That's ok, I didn't need them anyway. I've already got friends." The thing is, it's all about image. That's the main thing that makes social interactions so difficult to get right. I've always got that small voice in the back of my head telling me that trying to make connections with new people will only drive them away. Because of that, I just simply deny the opportunity. Not out of a fear of failure, but because, why should I give this person my time? I don't know them at all, so why can't I just be happy with the few friends I already have, right?
The possibility of seeming desperate. That's why it's so difficult in the few moments where I actually do give this person a chance. I always have to invite the other person to do things if I want to make it work, because why would they contact me if I'm the one trying to become their friend? Sometimes it's hard to tell where the line between being friendly and seeming desperate is, so why not play it safe and keep your distance? Sometimes I even dismiss the friends I already have. If I'm always the one asking if they want to spend some time together, it feels like they didn't want to in the first place. Even if it's just once a week, always calling them and never being called makes me feel like I'm annoying them, so I just back off. Sometimes to the point where I won't talk to them until they talk to me first. Even if deep down I want to spend time with them, I'll just stay home or go out by myself. There's nothing wrong with that, right? They get some time to themselves, and I don't risk the chance of looking like a desperate loner.
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